I have four walls, a bed, and a little lamp that shocks me when I try to flip the switch. The walls are concrete, and the moldy black and yellow paint is chipping off and bubbling up. The bed is covered in blankets with bleach stains everywhere, and the bed itself is mostly just termite eaten plywood with some rotting stuffing on top. The lamp is cracked plastic, and the cord is raw and exposed in too many places. My flip flops that sit by the sagging door are worn to the point of holes in both heels. My backpack has mud on it from five different countries. My cellphone is plugged into a huge black multi adapter that can fit any outlet available on earth, and the the eight foot cord is almost entirely covered in hockey tape. Kind of like my toes. Blisters and torn wires are quite similar in that way.
Everywhere I go I look for something new. A new experience, or flavour, smell, sight, even a new me. The problem is that wherever I drop that backpack, or leave those flip flops, I am still me. I have seen all of this before in one form or another. The bubbled paint, stained white tiles, bleached out sheets. It is nothing new. I can remember back to it being new. I remember flying through mountains and catching sight of the ocean. I remember tasting raw eggs for the first time under candle light, and gagging over dog meat for the first time. It isn’t new anymore, or not new in that sense. Every day is new, and beautiful, and the thrill of finding somewhere new still wakes me up in the morning. But nothing is new in the way it was the first time. I wake up every morning grasping for something to hold to, something new worth sharing. But every day I put on those same worn flip flops, throw that same backpack over my shoulder, and walk out some kind of broken door after turning off some lamp that has seen many better days.
The moments that most define me are the ones I cannot recapture, but continue to relive day after day. After all, the first time I slipped on flip flops and ran through the jungle I didn’t even realize it was something new.